


perhaps, tomorrow will be a better day after all

by LinTheRedApple



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Heavy Angst, Hong Jisoo | Joshua-centric, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Hong Jisoo | Joshua, Hurt No Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Mentioned Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups, Mentioned Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Mentioned SEVENTEEN Ensemble, Mentioned Yoon Jeonghan, Mentions of Starvation, Oneshot, Pills, References to Depression, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, not sure if i tagged properly be warned, sksksksksksksksk, vent fic, wow so many tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:36:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28850706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LinTheRedApple/pseuds/LinTheRedApple
Summary: 'Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.'  Was what Joshua had thought to himself the day before going to bed. Nope, today wasn't any better than yesterday. It was just as hard and exhausting even though they didn't have any work for a few days. It was after comeback, and they had gracious time to relax and do whatever. Yet, Joshua found it so hard to even get up.
Kudos: 14





	perhaps, tomorrow will be a better day after all

'Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.' Was what Joshua had thought to himself the day before going to bed. Nope, today wasn't any better than yesterday. It was just as hard and exhausting even though they didn't have any work for a few days. It was after comeback, and they had gracious time to relax and do whatever. Yet, Joshua found it so hard to even get up.

What was he even doing here? He found himself wondering a lot. Yeah, he knew how passion drove him to go after his dreams, but even as he sat on the couch with the other members simply chilling, he wondered if it was worth it. Was he worth it? What was the point in life if death was the end? It didn't make sense.

It didn't help his bubbling dark pit of self despair and melancholy that managed to lodge itself in his chest either. Life just didn't feel worth living sometimes. He felt like a constant waste of space, and that if he wasn't there everyone would do so much more better without him.

Like, what did he even add to the group anyways? On most days, it felt like he was just there. And that only. He wasn't satisfied with himself, singing, basic performance, personality, image, anything. It wasn't good enough. He could do better, but how? 

He fiddled with the chopsticks in his hand, it now being dinner. 'Don't eat it.' His mind whispered to him. He sighed softly at the thought. He had tried that before, starving himself to make him happy with him image. So many days on an empty stomach. His muscles feeling so weak and like jelly, physical exhaustion burning every movement. The headaches that pounded his head silly like a drum.

It was even worse when the members caught on and forced him to eat a proper meal. So, even if he wasn't feeling good about his looks, he would have to find healthier ways to fix it.

He managed to fall into the deadly loop of overworking himself too. Singing so much until his vocals hurt and his voice was scratchy, only to snarl at the sound and force himself to sing again even though it was perfect. Then falling down the trail of tiring his body out after every practice and doing more. It was Seungcheol, Jeonghan and Jihoon who snapped him out of the loop.

But, with how much he knew his members cared for and loved him, he couldn't stop the negative thinking. He had so much to do, an image to uphold, a ton of pressure on his shoulders. And he did great at keeping it together; on the outside. 

It's just, even with all what he has. The accomplishments, and practically second family. He feels drained and mentally worn out. He can't find a reason to go on most days, yet he does even so. It sometimes feels like he's just waiting for something to take him away from this world.

He felt incredibly selfish for even having these thoughts, though. He knew how much it would hurt those he cared so deeply for. He knew it. Joshua couldn't stop himself from just thinking how'd it be to just not be here, however. He wasn't sure why he felt like this, but he did.

The feeling drained a lot of his life force too. Making him so, so worn out. He never let the others see just how close he was to breaking, although. He couldn't put any of that on them with the two last stunts he's pulled. Not again.

Nonetheless, he thought about death a lot. How taking his life would end all of his misery. All of these confusing feelings. The need to be perfect. The pressure. Stress. The thoughts. Depressive feelings. And his consciousness in general.

He stared at himself in the bathroom mirror with a bottle of pills in his hand, eyebrows scrunched in concertation and deep thought. Maybe it was the hope that things will be good in the long run, the want to see what the future will turn out to be, or even hanging on for his brothers is what made him put the pills back into the spot behind the mirror.

Joshua left the bathroom, feeling a little guilty for even the thought of doing what he'd been so close to, but didn't after all. And that was something to think about. Something to be positive about. Because maybe there was something to look forward to after all, a life to be lived, a purpose to fullfil even. Those thoughts were a little string of hope to something great. 

Perhaps, tomorrow will be a better day after all.


End file.
